Kya Karein, Kya Na Karein...[Fiction]

Disclaimer : A tribute to the first cheesy feeling of love/infatuation/^%#$!

Today was no different. Aayush, as usual, was sitting in the fourth bench. She was sitting in the second bench. The English teacher was telling something about the Rime of Ancient Mariner. It didn’t matter to Aayush. He was busy looking at her. In fact, gaping. It used to amaze and amuse him, how could she look more enchanting than the previous day. More beautiful. Spellbinding, in fact. She looked back, Aayush quickly snapped away to his textbook. Shit. Did she see me? Aayush saw from one corner of his eye, she smiled. Yes, today was in no way different. It had been four years of this futile exercise. Admiring, gaping her from a distance. Feeling hopeless whenever there was an eye-contact or even a feeble chance of it. Nothing had changed. Four years had passed just like that. And he hadn’t even talked with her. Not even made an effort to. Why? Aayush was afraid. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of being meted to indifference. What if she doesn’t even know me? What if I come across as a fool? What he would go and tell her? That she is cute, and he likes her. Won’t she laugh at me? Won’t the whole class laugh at me? It is almost equivalent to blasphemy talking to a girl in our class, he thought. And why would she even talk to me? What is so unique about me? What is so great about me? OK, I’m pretty decent in academics. But, is that something to boot about? Am I smart? Not enough. Not confident enough to start a conversation with her. Why would she even bother, she has the company of all the handsome boys in class. And she enjoys it, it seems. Forget it. Aayush resolved the mental conundrum. Ok. Just forget her. Concentrate on the Rime of Ancient Mariner.

For a split second, Aayush raised his head and saw her. She was looking back. Aayush looked at her, grabbing an inch of confidence somewhere, locked his eyes into her and didn’t flinch away for that magical second. She smiled. Yes, she smiled. The cutest lip in the world has curled to give way to the most beatific sight ever. Aayush didn’t know how to react. Aayush thought it might have been, somebody sitting at the back. So, he thought it would be sheer foolishness to smile back. Won’t she perceive me as desperate? Aayush didn’t smile back. So, even she turned back to look at the teacher. Aayush looked back to see who was sitting behind him. He saw all the benches of the backseat were empty.

Some weeks later…

The news had spread like wild fire in the class. Everybody was saying the same thing. She was leaving the school. The enormity of the news struck to Aayush without losing an instant. How could she do it? He asked himself. He got no answer.

It was raining outside. Aayush could see her hair was wet. Excess water dripping from it. A drop fell and smudged her beautiful writing. She became a tad irritated. Aayush loved it even more. Aayush never thought she was even capable of tearing a page from her copy. She didn’t. She began writing from a fresh page. Aayush smiled at his foolishness of knowing her so much.

That news had almost paralyzed his senses. When she would be going back? He quickly calculated the possibilities. The first term is still two weeks, she is not going any time before that. She would probably give her exams and go, Aayush thought. But, why? Aayush’s inner voice tried reasoning him. I don’t know. Just shut up. I know it is true. She is not leaving any time soon. But, whatever I will have to talk to her before she goes out. But, what can I possibly tell her? Think hard, think hard, think hard. May be I can ask her phone number of the new place? If she asks why, then what would I say? Well, its pretty easy. I would say I want it because…because..because…shit. shit. Shit. I don’t know. What will I say? Damn.

4 classes later…

Aayush had gone to meet his history teacher about a school project he was leading. It was their games period, but even then he had to go. He somehow wrapped the meeting quickly with the teacher and ran to his class to get his badminton racket. He didn’t want to be late for his match. He entered the class and was taken aback by her sitting alone in the class. What is she doing in the class now? Alone? I know she doesn’t play much, but why is she sitting alone now? Aayush’s hand were fidgety with the chain of his bag. Probably for the first time in his life, he was sitting alone in the class. He was nervous. He wanted to get the hell out of there as quickly as he could. He desperately wanted to glance at her. But, wait. This was the best way of talking with her. Come on, Aayush. Go talk to her. Meanwhile, she was sitting quietly in her place. Aayush finally took the badminton racket out of his bag. Why can’t she talk with me? I want to talk. Come on. Talk. Talk. Talk.

Next Day…

Aayush entered the class after the morning assembly and took his place. First period. History. He looked at the adjacent row. The second seat. The one beside the window. She wasn’t there. Absent. But, why? The class was humdrum to the bone. Aayush didn’t have to be a smartass today. Didn’t have to crack any funny jokes and check whether she smiled or not. I could have talked yesterday, he thought. Damn. She wouldn’t have eaten me. One of these days, I will. For sure. I don’t have much time.

Two Weeks later…

Aayush never knew when the realization dawned on him. When did he finally accept it? He didn’t know. He never thought much about it. This was the ‘What If’ chapter of his life. He failed an exam, not because he didn’t know the answer. He failed it, because he hadn’t asked the question. He laughed silly on his analogy. The teacher was teaching the ‘Solitary Reaper’, Aayush glanced at the second bench again. The seat close to the wall was empty. It was raining again. Aayush could almost smell her wet hair. Almost. He could almost see her drawing something foolishly on the back side of a note book, mostly the caricature of the teacher which wasn’t funny by any standard, but only looked funny, because even the remotest prospect of her thinking anything mischievious made him smile. Aayush took out the English textbook from his bag, weary with irritation, out of reluctant resignation to fate. He saw the badminton racket in his bag. Aayush just wanted to exist for her. As someone. Somewhere. It was Aayush's turn to read the last two paragraphs of the poem. He stood and read the poem aloud :

Whate'er the theme, the Maiden sang
Whate’er the theme, the maiden sang
As if her song could have no ending ;
I saw her singing at her work,
And o’er the sickle bending ; –
I listened, motionless and still ;
And, as I mounted up the hill,
The music in my heart I bore,
Long after it was heard no more.
As if her song could have no ending;
I saw her singing at her work,
And o'er the sickle bending;--
I listened, motionless and still;
And, as I mounted up the hill
The music in my heart I bore,
Long after it was heard no more